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Driffi's Blog

How i look at life

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My vents

So here is a peek into the dark side of my life…… well everyone has it so no big deal

Fears, Anger, Resentment

So here it is. I think I am suffering from Postpartum depression right now because I am not able to clearly think lately. I feel resentful towards my husband most of the days because he gets to go out (without kid lolz :P) and even at home he spends his time in front of the laptop while I not only take care of the baby but I also do all the other household stuff; cooking, ironing his clothes, and many others.

To add on to the frustration we live with in-laws and though they are nice people genuinely but they are a different family obviously; they have different priorities and obviously the whole system is run according to their needs and their priorities; my priorities being muffled somewhere in the background. People believe its ok to live with in laws in our part of the world and even I used to believe the same but things have been so tough lately. Even if I m tired I have to go and meet my in-laws guests (my husbands brothers and nieces nephews) who by the way pop in at any time without even informing considering that it is their parent’s home and they don’t need to inform. Ok I understand that they don’t need to inform but wouldn’t it be so nice if they did once in a while for a change?. Then there are those guests who often come from abroad to stay; even they are nice people but then it means we have to take them to different places, take them to dinners and well our whole financial budget is completely out but my husband is soo ok with it. Then there are tons of social and family gatherings, weddings etc which I HAVE to attend just because we live with in laws. I soo wish I could back out of a few but hubby dear doesn’t understand. And amidst all of this when do we get time to even talk? I meant me and hubby. and even if we did get time he is busy completing his office work at home. Won’t all this add on to loads and loads of resentments towards him?.

Its because of all of these issues that I am mostly in a bad mood; I don’t want to talk to him most of the times but he honestly doesn’t seem to understand me a bit. all he can do is criticize that the shirt wasn’t ironed properly, the bathroom isn’t clean, there are cobwebs on the ceiling. I mean….. do I even have time to do all this?. I have to take care of a demanding 6 month old baby, I am preparing for medical board exams due in Feb 2014, I have to do some house chores and with all this frustration I can’t even concentrate on my studies and I am soo annoyed most of the times that I don’t know what to do. I am writing all of this here because I don’t have anyone as such to talk to; hubby dear doesn’t listen instead if I complain he gets annoyed. my family lives abroad and I am only left with friends and this blog. I know I have also changed a lot and have become quiet a nagging kind of a wife too but that’s because I am soo annoyed and resentful towards him because of his lack of help as well as lack of emotional support and lack of time. even if he has time he wants to do stuff which HE Likes. I want to go out but he wants to watch some stupid idiotic movie which half times my daughter doesn’t even let me watch with all her tantrums. I sooo want to go out with him enjoy stuff but he seems to be least understanding; yes tell him to go with his friends and he is ever ready to go out.

With all of this I soooo regret quitting an amazing job a couple of months back; but then quitting was necessary back then because of an incompetent cervix I was on a very prolonged bed rest and I was on a demanding job so couldn’t take a very long leave.

With all of this going on in my mind constantly I am unable to enjoy my daughter. I sometimes get mad at her too and shout at her when she doesn’t sleep or when she is constantly crying for hours and hours. I am fearful that I wont be able to work again (this is my biggest fear) and that I will always be living this miserable life at home as a homemaker (which I don’t don’t want to be at all), fear that I will always have to be dependent which I always hated. Then my mind clears and I know that why will I be jobless come on man?. I know I am highly educated, I have good work experience for both clinical jobs as well as a pharmaceutical job and when the time comes (after my exam) I will be able to find a job. its just all of these fears that stab me constantly. I want the sort of life back I was living almost an yar ago . I want my independence back, my job back, my car back ( which by the way I was given by my office) also most importantly I want to earn the same sort of money I was earning back then. DOes this make me a very bad and materialistic person?. DOes this make me a bad mom :(?. but how can I be a good mom if I am not happy?.

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Vents of a new mommy

Ok I’ll be very honest here. Taking care of your little one can be very overwhelming and I mean really overwhelming honestly. At least that’s how things started at my end; when my little daughter (now 5 months old) was born; I was very apprehensive and overwhelmed. Instead of enjoying those moments I was either upset or depressed or frustrated at the thought of very little or almost no help around with the baby. I didn’t know who to look upto since my family wasn’t in town and my husband was very busy with his work (would be going at 8 in the morning and came back at 8 in the night) and my in laws who live with us……. Well they were busy with another kid who began coming to our place the very next day my daughter was born. I won’t go into the depth here but this kid who is just 6 months older than my baby began coming to our place the day I got discharged from the hospital and this was the day when my daughter was only 4 days old and I sooo needed help with her.

Having a c section made it so difficult to do even the very simple tasks like getting up and picking up my baby, trying to give her a bath, going to the washroom and taking a shower, making something for myself for breakfast. But since my mum in law was busy with this other kid I had to do everything all by myself except giving my daughter a bath since she was soooo fragile at that moment and I really didn’t know how to manage and handle her during a bath. So mum in law would wait for the other kid to sleep and then we’d give my daughter a bath. It was a very tough time for me and I would be in tears by the end of the day after spending the whole day alone with my baby in my room. I had to get up and make my own breakfast since the very next day of getting discharged from the hospital; I washed my baby’s clothes myself since the very same day. I know I sound so bad and I know I am venting here but see I don’t get it; what was the use of living in a joint family system if we didn’t get any help at the time it was most needed.

Ok I may be mad at my in-laws but it wasn’t their fault either since they did try their best but things just weren’t working out the way they should have been. I believe the parents of the other kid should have been more considerate in leaving their kid at our place with my mum in-law and at least they should have waited for another week or so; at least I would have gotten a proper time to heal around, the parents of this other kid could have taken off from their work for at least a few days …. What is family for anyways if they can’t be there for you or help you when you are in need? Instead of leaving their kid at our place I had actually expected some help with the baby but instead of being a helping hand they even took away the few helping hands I could have gotten from my mum in law. And though I healed quickly, by the tenth day I even began making meals for the family at my home since there wasn’t any other choice but the hurt is still there and it just won’t go away like that. And whenever I see this other kid I remember how unfair her parents were with me when I really needed help but I guess this is how life is supposed to be!. I believe that tables will turn someday! I just wish for once that they could realize their mistake….. That’s all I want ….. Just a little sorry but I know this is not happening! So much for understanding the philosophy of a joint family system.

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