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Driffi's Blog

How i look at life

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lIFE

Elitism; dream vs reality

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As I sat in one of the most exquisite cosmetology clinics waiting for my turn to come; I couldn’t help but look up at all the people visiting there while scrolling through the social diaries magazines and wonder…… There were so many stones unturned, so many dreams unfulfilled or perhaps life didn’t go as planned.

As I shuffled through pages filled with Armani, and Chanel and Gucci I couldn’t help my hands from going constantly through my messed up untidily tied hair,through my receding hairline and a pair of unironed clothes worn in haste. I couldn’t help realize I was the mother of a little girl & a working woman in her early 30s and not even half of what I had thought I would be by this time. I thought  I’d be wearing an Armani or a Valentino by now,I d own a couple of Louis Vuittons and Pradas and that too the original ones. Or perhaps being a student I was a big dreamer. But then there was a lot which I did achieve, don’t know if it was worthwhile though ….. As it happens in life we forget what we get and remember only what we don’t get …….. There was a time where probably brands such as Mango, H&M, Khaddi were unapproachable too. And it wasent about the brands ….it was about attaining a certain status a certain benchmark in life where this all would be a part of the deal ….a part of the package.

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I guess as humans we lose the worth of what we have achieved. Perhaps it enables us to keep the fire enkindled for desires or else we all would die without any struggle.

As I scrolled through the pages I realized it will take another lifetime to really be one of those; those exquisite unique ones. I realized I would not be one of those; those special ones who could steal the show….maybe by their charm or maybe by their expensive wardrobe or by their magic of speaking, I realized I didn’t have any of those … that I would always be one from the crowd….the common person ….. That’s what I have been and will always be no matter how much I try. Life is so competitive, you achieve a milestone, the world is ready with another benchmark …its like climbing a ladder which has no end, the stairs keep on extending farther ahead ….there is nothing on top coz we are never to reach our top.

I get up … I know I ll just die a loser and this is it.

Just then my daughter comes up and hugs me …I look at her and I realize …. I still have the next 30 years to prove myself (hopefully) ….to prove to this little being that your mom was worthwhile …..just the thought brings back all the aspirations… I think I can still do it ….. Armani hang on ….. I still have time 😉

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Fears, Anger, Resentment

So here it is. I think I am suffering from Postpartum depression right now because I am not able to clearly think lately. I feel resentful towards my husband most of the days because he gets to go out (without kid lolz :P) and even at home he spends his time in front of the laptop while I not only take care of the baby but I also do all the other household stuff; cooking, ironing his clothes, and many others.

To add on to the frustration we live with in-laws and though they are nice people genuinely but they are a different family obviously; they have different priorities and obviously the whole system is run according to their needs and their priorities; my priorities being muffled somewhere in the background. People believe its ok to live with in laws in our part of the world and even I used to believe the same but things have been so tough lately. Even if I m tired I have to go and meet my in-laws guests (my husbands brothers and nieces nephews) who by the way pop in at any time without even informing considering that it is their parent’s home and they don’t need to inform. Ok I understand that they don’t need to inform but wouldn’t it be so nice if they did once in a while for a change?. Then there are those guests who often come from abroad to stay; even they are nice people but then it means we have to take them to different places, take them to dinners and well our whole financial budget is completely out but my husband is soo ok with it. Then there are tons of social and family gatherings, weddings etc which I HAVE to attend just because we live with in laws. I soo wish I could back out of a few but hubby dear doesn’t understand. And amidst all of this when do we get time to even talk? I meant me and hubby. and even if we did get time he is busy completing his office work at home. Won’t all this add on to loads and loads of resentments towards him?.

Its because of all of these issues that I am mostly in a bad mood; I don’t want to talk to him most of the times but he honestly doesn’t seem to understand me a bit. all he can do is criticize that the shirt wasn’t ironed properly, the bathroom isn’t clean, there are cobwebs on the ceiling. I mean….. do I even have time to do all this?. I have to take care of a demanding 6 month old baby, I am preparing for medical board exams due in Feb 2014, I have to do some house chores and with all this frustration I can’t even concentrate on my studies and I am soo annoyed most of the times that I don’t know what to do. I am writing all of this here because I don’t have anyone as such to talk to; hubby dear doesn’t listen instead if I complain he gets annoyed. my family lives abroad and I am only left with friends and this blog. I know I have also changed a lot and have become quiet a nagging kind of a wife too but that’s because I am soo annoyed and resentful towards him because of his lack of help as well as lack of emotional support and lack of time. even if he has time he wants to do stuff which HE Likes. I want to go out but he wants to watch some stupid idiotic movie which half times my daughter doesn’t even let me watch with all her tantrums. I sooo want to go out with him enjoy stuff but he seems to be least understanding; yes tell him to go with his friends and he is ever ready to go out.

With all of this I soooo regret quitting an amazing job a couple of months back; but then quitting was necessary back then because of an incompetent cervix I was on a very prolonged bed rest and I was on a demanding job so couldn’t take a very long leave.

With all of this going on in my mind constantly I am unable to enjoy my daughter. I sometimes get mad at her too and shout at her when she doesn’t sleep or when she is constantly crying for hours and hours. I am fearful that I wont be able to work again (this is my biggest fear) and that I will always be living this miserable life at home as a homemaker (which I don’t don’t want to be at all), fear that I will always have to be dependent which I always hated. Then my mind clears and I know that why will I be jobless come on man?. I know I am highly educated, I have good work experience for both clinical jobs as well as a pharmaceutical job and when the time comes (after my exam) I will be able to find a job. its just all of these fears that stab me constantly. I want the sort of life back I was living almost an yar ago . I want my independence back, my job back, my car back ( which by the way I was given by my office) also most importantly I want to earn the same sort of money I was earning back then. DOes this make me a very bad and materialistic person?. DOes this make me a bad mom :(?. but how can I be a good mom if I am not happy?.

The Hurt is still there

sometimes its just so easy to hurt someone around with words …. but those who hurt don’t try to heal it. they think they can just say and do whatever they want and can get away with it with a little sorry. they think that just by saying the word sorry they are on the upper hand and you need to be ok now completely just because they have said a sorry. Can a simple word take away all the hurt that has been caused over and over again for years?. can a simple sorry take away the scars; the wound?. to me the hurt is still there…… And the ones who hurt are the ones you hold the dearest to your heart.

Who is your person?

Who is your person?

Being a doctor myself I have always been in love with medical dramas; Grays anatomy is one of those. The thing I loved about the drama is the friendship between Christina and Meridith. I remember Christina saying to her then Fiance’ Burke about Meridith :

“She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person.”

SANDRA OH, ELLEN POMPEO

This just moved me soo much. I believe we all have one person in our lives who is like that. To me that person is my best Friend Nosheen. I can do the worst mistake of my life and though she would scold me and taunt me till death about it but she would still remain my friend; she would still be there for me no matter what I did in life. At least that’s what I believe and I want to believe. That no matter how bad I may have been as a friend to her in the past but she will still forgive me and remain my friend till life allows us.

And no this does not mean we are the most peace loving most content of friends. We fight a lot. We fight about petty issues. Sometimes the fights are about small issues like who came late for a meeting, who didn’t message that day, who made a plan and didn’t show up. Ok usually I m the one who makes mistakes and Nosheen is the one who doesn’t let me get away with those mistakes (lolz) but this has made our friendship grow stronger and stronger. We also have totally different lives, different religious beliefs and we even belong to different religious sects but I don’t think if this has really mattered. I can’t think of anyone else to text even the very minute details of my life; like what did I make for supper or what annoyed me so much that day except Nosheen.

Maybe this is the same kind of relationship House had with Wilson; someone who had trust issues like myself can trust only a very few people in life and I suppose NOsheen is one of those few people. I can say she is my person ……. The one person I can totally depend on when it comes to emotional crisis, emotional issues. I don’t know if I am her person or not but she is definitely my person.

Who is your person?

Vents of a new mommy

Ok I’ll be very honest here. Taking care of your little one can be very overwhelming and I mean really overwhelming honestly. At least that’s how things started at my end; when my little daughter (now 5 months old) was born; I was very apprehensive and overwhelmed. Instead of enjoying those moments I was either upset or depressed or frustrated at the thought of very little or almost no help around with the baby. I didn’t know who to look upto since my family wasn’t in town and my husband was very busy with his work (would be going at 8 in the morning and came back at 8 in the night) and my in laws who live with us……. Well they were busy with another kid who began coming to our place the very next day my daughter was born. I won’t go into the depth here but this kid who is just 6 months older than my baby began coming to our place the day I got discharged from the hospital and this was the day when my daughter was only 4 days old and I sooo needed help with her.

Having a c section made it so difficult to do even the very simple tasks like getting up and picking up my baby, trying to give her a bath, going to the washroom and taking a shower, making something for myself for breakfast. But since my mum in law was busy with this other kid I had to do everything all by myself except giving my daughter a bath since she was soooo fragile at that moment and I really didn’t know how to manage and handle her during a bath. So mum in law would wait for the other kid to sleep and then we’d give my daughter a bath. It was a very tough time for me and I would be in tears by the end of the day after spending the whole day alone with my baby in my room. I had to get up and make my own breakfast since the very next day of getting discharged from the hospital; I washed my baby’s clothes myself since the very same day. I know I sound so bad and I know I am venting here but see I don’t get it; what was the use of living in a joint family system if we didn’t get any help at the time it was most needed.

Ok I may be mad at my in-laws but it wasn’t their fault either since they did try their best but things just weren’t working out the way they should have been. I believe the parents of the other kid should have been more considerate in leaving their kid at our place with my mum in-law and at least they should have waited for another week or so; at least I would have gotten a proper time to heal around, the parents of this other kid could have taken off from their work for at least a few days …. What is family for anyways if they can’t be there for you or help you when you are in need? Instead of leaving their kid at our place I had actually expected some help with the baby but instead of being a helping hand they even took away the few helping hands I could have gotten from my mum in law. And though I healed quickly, by the tenth day I even began making meals for the family at my home since there wasn’t any other choice but the hurt is still there and it just won’t go away like that. And whenever I see this other kid I remember how unfair her parents were with me when I really needed help but I guess this is how life is supposed to be!. I believe that tables will turn someday! I just wish for once that they could realize their mistake….. That’s all I want ….. Just a little sorry but I know this is not happening! So much for understanding the philosophy of a joint family system.

Bitterness Inside

So here it is. I have come to a few realizations about myself in the last one year. I have come to realize that I am an unhappy person by nature, that I am bitter inside….that I have bitter thoughts about almost everyone; towards almost every thought and the worst thing is that I am not even ashamed about it. Though the bitterness doesn’t come out in front of most people, but the bad part about this is that the bitterness does come out in front of the very few people who somehow matter to me; which shouldn’t be the case I suppose. This bitterness comes out in front of people from whom I expect a lot but I end up getting nothing. This bitterness has left me hollow inside….. Shallow ….. it has made me unable to trust or rely on anyone. It seems like I am on my own and this will be like this forever.

I just came across a line by someone that they had trust issues since childhood. I somehow realized that same is the case with me and I didn’t realize this until a few years back that I have trust issues, I hardly trust anyone except myself. I don’t expect people to do anything for me and when they do; it either surprises me or it ends up leaving me guilty. One more realization I got about myself is that I become guilty very quickly and people have taken advantage of this fact. What amazes me is that why wasn’t I ever able to realize this fact that I do get guilty very easily and there are a certain set of people who actually try to make me guilt conscious and I guess they have been successful at it to in actually being on my nerves for days.

These days it seems like I am all alone in life.. I guess I was always like this; sad and lonely. Life and its complications just made it a bit easier to forget. I have also come to the realization that maybe dreams really don’t come true …… my dad struggled all life and even today he is in a struggle… so my dream of becoming a very rich person one day is not going to be fulfilled atleast not in this lifetime; maybe my children might see a better tomorrow but that needs time.

Eid Times

Its 2012 and another eid is here ….. With so much branding and hype by the masala channels, fashion designers and cell phones about all the glitz and glamour behind eid it seems as if eid only revolves around colours,around glass bangles, around huge family feasts with women all dressed up in designer wears and men wearing branded starched kurtas; but there is another reality behind this eid.

Theres this face of the shop wala who has worked hard throughout this month so that he can buy the dress he wanted for his little three year old daughter; he will probably skip buying a dress this year too and anyways his master gave him one of his branded old kurta, yes its a size bigger but he will manage.

It is eid day and a little kid is going with his father and mother to meet his grandma; all wearing new clothes trying not to make them dirty standing at the rikshaw stand. From behind his mother the little boy is sneaking out looking at all the glamorous shiny cars passing by while his father is trying to negotiate with the rickshaw wala …. He looks at his father’s tired worn out eyes wondering if he will ever be able to own such a car?

The moon has just set in for eid and an old woman wakes up her old husband. He wakes up; searches for his glasses since he is too excited about calling his son,daughter in law and his sweet 5 year old grand son named ali who calls him dada. It is a small five minute chat with them and their little Ali and they have to hang up since international calls cost a lot. The old parents have mixed feelings of joy and sorrow on their faces as they again look at their quiet empty home.

Maria looks out of her window in despair at the tall sky scrapers  below trying to find the moon the government has just announced. This will be the third eid she will be celebrating away from her parents after marriage. She calls them and talks to her little sisters who are all excited and about to go out for mehendi. Maria looks around again after the phone at the huge empty walls missing all the bangles and the colours back home wishing when will she be able to go back and meet them again. Eid brings all the memories back to her.

Its eid dinner and everyone is dressed up wonderfully; the whole family is gathered and there is an excellent feast. A family comes in and everyone gathers around them with happy eyes. They just had a newborn and the little baby looks like an angel sleeping in his fathers lap while his mother looks at him with loving eyes. A middle aged couple is sitting next to them; they look at the little angel with longing eyes…… Eyes filled with tears and sorrow….. This is the tenth eid they are celebrating with empty hands ….. Without children. The wife hates such feasts where she has to gather and look at complete families….. Children running around, women gossiping about how expensive schools have become and how their sons/daughters are so naughty and drive them crazy. She doesnt have any complains to do … Which makes her feel even more incomplete.

To me Eid is all this. It is another year of longing,another year of despair; yet another year of Hope.

Best at Something?……

I dont know…. Life definitely has been good with me .. maybe i havent put in much effort?. I just wished to be best at something…. but i guess i havent been able to excel anything as yet in life. I was a good student in class, used to secure 4th or 5th position but i was not the best. When i landed in the Medical school people used to think i might get a distinction ( I guess even i thought the same ;)), i was close but i never got a distinction.

i was attractive but i was never one of the very beautiful ones who’d make people turn around ( not that i wanted that), i was a good daughter but not the most perfect one, i’d end up in arguments with my parents too and now i believe i am not the very best wife, i might be good but i am not the very best.

Similarly at work i was good at the clinicals but i was always 2nd or 3rd best not THE best, i guess i decided to switch lines and landed in a pharmaceutical sector.. here even though i try my very best but i guess i still am not the best. I am new in marketing, need to learn so much each day and just this fact makes me so down that still there is so much i don’t know. There are times when i think ok i have done a great job and the very next moment i find some other trainee doing something way too better and innovatively then me, leaving me down again.

Hmm…. i wonder will i ever be best at something?.

The child who dies everyday in the war of terrorism

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It was a picture of great pain, melancholy and disaster as the little child lay there aimlessly and motionlessly on the grass, waiting for something but … for what?

The twinkle in his eyes was slowly fading, the winds rushed harshly and cruelly blowing the hair over his face, but his hand didn’t have the energy to tuck them back in place. The skies above him were graying into an unusual figure as if opening out their arms to embrace the soul of the youth. Yes, he was waiting for the rays of death to come and preach his soul. The pain and agony was very hard to bear and feel. A large area around him was covered with red fluid flowing out of his body, showing us the fate of this boy but what had he done? What was he punished for?

Maybe his only fault was that he was born in a state where war was the destiny of every one. Maybe his fault was that in spite of all the pressures, he had set off to go to school in the morning, not knowing that he would be hit by a rocket bomber. He was a little boy; hardly eight or nine years of age, filled with joy and laughter, filled with ambitions and desires in his life! I had seen him once and had asked him about his dreams and ambitions and he had said ” i will become a pilot and then i will teach a lesson to these fighter planes” . Now his wishes would never be fulfilled! Being a child he probably couldn’t understand the fact that he was living in a place where the allies considered this retched war sacred. Was this sacred? Was the death of this little child sacred?!

Children are the angels of God, didn’t the bomber for once think about that. There were so many other people around who were killed too with this bomb. What was their fault? Just that they belonged to a different religion? Just that they loved their land and despite all the war around them they didn’t want to leave their beloved land? Don’t the people who throw rocket bombers have children of their own? Can’t they just for once feel the pain and agony in the eyes of the parents of these innocent children who die every day?

 

The child’s breath was getting slower and slower, his lips trembling, either of fear or of hatred I do not know, maybe of both!. No one was there to rescue him or console him. Near him laid on the ground a few burnt books from his bag absorbing blood from his body, books, which read out the Kalma, and books which said that all Muslims were brothers and that it was a big sin to hurt any other human being either by words or by actions. I tried to see through the expression in his eyes just to make out what he must be thinking at that moment. His soul must have been wondering that maybe the books were wrong or that he had done a mistake for which he was punished? He would never get the answer!

His family was crying quietly in their broken house, as they knew what would happen to him within a few minutes. What will happen of his mother, his young and innocent brother and sister now? Who will protect them now from the sharp clutches of the evils who are responsible for the sorrowful condition of the youth. They had killed his father too the same way. Will his brother have to bear the same pain? Will he go through the same agony? Will he have to do the same struggle his father and brother had to do? Would he ever be able to go to school? Will these people ever succeed in getting some happiness in their lives?. People who give long speeches on terrorism where are they now. How come this doesn’t seem terrorism to them. How could they be so self centered!

Then suddenly the winds increased in their intensity, the skies absorbed the redness of his blood in their color and the angel of death with all his darkness proceeded towards the earth where the young youth lay motionless waiting for him to come and protrude out his last breaths from his body. The angel approached him, gently pulled out his soul and started his journey back to the sky, but this time not alone, instead the youth’s soul accompanied him quietly!

Everything was over now. The skies turned to normal again. The blood of the youth had been dried out in the grassy grounds and his books. His eyes had lost all the last gleams in them. His lips had stopped trembling now and were turning pale and blue.

His face was completely blank. One couldn’t distinguish his frown from his smile. Was he at peace now or was he still going through another pain?  Another agony? Did he reach his destination now or was he still in a never ending journey?

   

Will his body be granted a grave or will it have to rot here like all the other bodies, until his bones protrude out and the flesh is completely gone?, leaving behind only the skull and bones which will too vanish into the residue as time passes onwards. His father and his ancestors were killed in the same way. Their bodies too were deprived of a grave; they too were inclined to rot where they lay.

Will the family of this little child and all the other people around them suffer like this forever? Will these people ever succeed in living a normal life…the kind of life we all are living? Will they ever be able to get some education or some peace while living on their own land? How much more will people suffer in places like Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Kashmir? How many more people will die because of the suicide bombers? how many more catastrophes like the 9/11 will take place and is there an end to all of this misery?

It is so easy to just come on the television; make long speeches about terrorism but is someone actually trying to do something about it? How many more groups like Alqaeda will take over the mask of a peaceful religion like Islam; defame it and all the other muslims by killing innocent people? Islam has not taught this. It is something they have come up with themselves. How many more people will become victims of the war of terrorism going on? I do not know if there is actually an answer to any of these questions, maybe no one knows!

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