I don’t know where to begin. It’s as if life gives us signals and we unintentionally walk in those lanes where a message is hidden for us. Something similar happened with me. I walked past an old lane of my life and something happened. As if God had made me go to a certain place…. Just to find out that an old friend of mine was on a life support … fighting for her life.

I just happened to pass by this place when out of curiosity I called up a friend to see whether we could actually meet or just hang out … a friend who was out of contact since a couple of months … and it was very shocking to hear that she was actually fighting for her life … and today she passed away That she suffered a sudden brain hemorrhage or maybe some aneurysm had burst and she just passed away.

That is not what made me sad…. After all this was Allah’s will and as they say we all have to go one day… but what bothered me was the difficult life she had had and just the thought of this made me lose my mnd and I just had a feeling that is Allah unfair?.

She wasn’t my best friend…. I don’t think I have ever made a best friend but she was one of those special people in my life with whom I connected at a very deep level…. She wasn’t very old…. She was hardly 9 or 10 years senior to me but somehow we connected like anything. She was a very humble person deep down but somehow life had made her rigid. She didn’t have a father and was the youngest of her family and somehow it seems that she was neglected too. She got married to someone living in America whom she didn’t even know and when she went there she found out that he was a fraud and all he wanted was that she gives Steps and earns money. And when she was unable to do so he sent her back with divorce papers. I remember her telling me something about how he didn’t even tell her that he will give her a divorce and how she just came to Pakistan to meet her family and when she came back this is what she got!!!.

Life took her to different places; for some years she lived with her sister in America and worked in a Library. Then I don’t know why she came back. Sometimes she used to say that it’s difficult to live with married sisters and sometimes she told me how she missed medical practice and came back just because of that but I never got to know the truth behind it. She never said anything but she loved this sister a lot. I remember how once she told me something about an aqiq ring she used to wear everytime and how once her sister heard somewhere that women who wear Aqiq in their index finger end up getting divorced and how absurd this seemed to hear but at the same time it seemed so scary… because she actually did get divorced.

Here she was so lonely… she lived with her mother. I visited her a few times at her home and it was unbelievable to actually see the kind of life she led. She used to work in the Oncology Unit in the mornings and at night she used to take care of her sick mother. I saw her washing and bathing her mother herself… this is definitely a big deal….. I remember talking to her a few months back how she was getting an amazing job opportunity in Saudi Arabia which she desperately wanted to take but which she turned down just because she used to be so scared of the fact that who will take care of her mother. Life is so unpredictable….. how today her mother still lives but she is no more with us.

She used to long companionship…. How much she wanted to have a nice life partner who would actually take care of her. She used to talk about another sister who lived here near her home only whose daughters were almost her age…. How this sister always gave preference to her daughters only and not her. How she used to feel the pain when this sister used to talk about stuff k who will marry her she isn’t very pretty like my daughters afterall…. This was so hard to believe coming out from a sister…. A real sister…

I am lost because I knew she was lonely and depressed and I somehow got so involved in my own life that I didn’t even give a dam about calling her. I am lost because she did get married for a second time and she died exactly 6 days after her marriage. I am lost because she just didn’t tell anyone about getting married…. But maybe she was soo depressed or.. maybe soo much happy that she just got so overwhelmed that she just didn’t want to share?. I am lost because its so sad that I don’t even have a picture of hers which I could remember forever. She didn’t have a facebook page, she didn’t have much friends. She lived a silent life… but despite that I know she touched so many lives.. she treated so many cancer patients… I know she was an amazing person and may Allah forgive her sins and grant her a place in heaven.

This just gave me lots of ifs and buts about my life…… Life is so short…… we spend our entire life just planning and trying for a better future a brighter tomorrow but we don’t know when our tomorrow will just end. I don’t even have a picture of hers to remember because I never gave it the importance… because I never thought one of us would not live forever. And If I were her that means I only have 10 more years to live… only 10 more years to actually do all my prayers to cover up all the lack of Ibadat for the past 30 years?. Is it even justifiable? And the biggest guilt and the biggest repentance is that I knew she wasn’t happy… I knew she was going through a difficult time but I somehow got drowned in my own life…. If only I had tried to contact her in the last 6 months atleast I would have known of what she was going through emotionally during this time. This has given me the biggest reality check that how we think we will have a tomorrow to spend time with our friends and family… but what if that tomorrow never comes???

Then something gives me a little peace as well….That she got someone in her life a month before her passed away. I remember after her divorce she used to get proposals but she would turn them down because they just weren’t upto her mark In terms of education. All she used to desire was someone who was educated enough and who had a good intellectual insight; and what gives me a little satisfaction is that she did find some companionship in her last time… that probably she was happy for the first time in her life.

I remember how she used to long for a life of a woman married to a guy who would take her out for a long drive, for shopping, for groceries even… And today when I talked to her husband it seemed like she lived her whole life in those 6 days. How he told me that she would ask him to take her out for rides how they went to buy the whole grocery for the home.. How she used to be so excited to go out with him in the car. But I could understand because I realized she was living her dream life. It gives me a little peace to think that maybe she died a peaceful life… That maybe she was destined to die as a married woman….. It does sound cheesy but this is what had happened… she was lonely and longed for a companion in life … Maybe Allah is Fair Afterall…..

No matter what happens I will always remember you….