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Driffi's Blog

How i look at life

Month

October 2013

Fears, Anger, Resentment

So here it is. I think I am suffering from Postpartum depression right now because I am not able to clearly think lately. I feel resentful towards my husband most of the days because he gets to go out (without kid lolz :P) and even at home he spends his time in front of the laptop while I not only take care of the baby but I also do all the other household stuff; cooking, ironing his clothes, and many others.

To add on to the frustration we live with in-laws and though they are nice people genuinely but they are a different family obviously; they have different priorities and obviously the whole system is run according to their needs and their priorities; my priorities being muffled somewhere in the background. People believe its ok to live with in laws in our part of the world and even I used to believe the same but things have been so tough lately. Even if I m tired I have to go and meet my in-laws guests (my husbands brothers and nieces nephews) who by the way pop in at any time without even informing considering that it is their parent’s home and they don’t need to inform. Ok I understand that they don’t need to inform but wouldn’t it be so nice if they did once in a while for a change?. Then there are those guests who often come from abroad to stay; even they are nice people but then it means we have to take them to different places, take them to dinners and well our whole financial budget is completely out but my husband is soo ok with it. Then there are tons of social and family gatherings, weddings etc which I HAVE to attend just because we live with in laws. I soo wish I could back out of a few but hubby dear doesn’t understand. And amidst all of this when do we get time to even talk? I meant me and hubby. and even if we did get time he is busy completing his office work at home. Won’t all this add on to loads and loads of resentments towards him?.

Its because of all of these issues that I am mostly in a bad mood; I don’t want to talk to him most of the times but he honestly doesn’t seem to understand me a bit. all he can do is criticize that the shirt wasn’t ironed properly, the bathroom isn’t clean, there are cobwebs on the ceiling. I mean….. do I even have time to do all this?. I have to take care of a demanding 6 month old baby, I am preparing for medical board exams due in Feb 2014, I have to do some house chores and with all this frustration I can’t even concentrate on my studies and I am soo annoyed most of the times that I don’t know what to do. I am writing all of this here because I don’t have anyone as such to talk to; hubby dear doesn’t listen instead if I complain he gets annoyed. my family lives abroad and I am only left with friends and this blog. I know I have also changed a lot and have become quiet a nagging kind of a wife too but that’s because I am soo annoyed and resentful towards him because of his lack of help as well as lack of emotional support and lack of time. even if he has time he wants to do stuff which HE Likes. I want to go out but he wants to watch some stupid idiotic movie which half times my daughter doesn’t even let me watch with all her tantrums. I sooo want to go out with him enjoy stuff but he seems to be least understanding; yes tell him to go with his friends and he is ever ready to go out.

With all of this I soooo regret quitting an amazing job a couple of months back; but then quitting was necessary back then because of an incompetent cervix I was on a very prolonged bed rest and I was on a demanding job so couldn’t take a very long leave.

With all of this going on in my mind constantly I am unable to enjoy my daughter. I sometimes get mad at her too and shout at her when she doesn’t sleep or when she is constantly crying for hours and hours. I am fearful that I wont be able to work again (this is my biggest fear) and that I will always be living this miserable life at home as a homemaker (which I don’t don’t want to be at all), fear that I will always have to be dependent which I always hated. Then my mind clears and I know that why will I be jobless come on man?. I know I am highly educated, I have good work experience for both clinical jobs as well as a pharmaceutical job and when the time comes (after my exam) I will be able to find a job. its just all of these fears that stab me constantly. I want the sort of life back I was living almost an yar ago . I want my independence back, my job back, my car back ( which by the way I was given by my office) also most importantly I want to earn the same sort of money I was earning back then. DOes this make me a very bad and materialistic person?. DOes this make me a bad mom :(?. but how can I be a good mom if I am not happy?.

The Hurt is still there

sometimes its just so easy to hurt someone around with words …. but those who hurt don’t try to heal it. they think they can just say and do whatever they want and can get away with it with a little sorry. they think that just by saying the word sorry they are on the upper hand and you need to be ok now completely just because they have said a sorry. Can a simple word take away all the hurt that has been caused over and over again for years?. can a simple sorry take away the scars; the wound?. to me the hurt is still there…… And the ones who hurt are the ones you hold the dearest to your heart.

Who is your person?

Who is your person?

Being a doctor myself I have always been in love with medical dramas; Grays anatomy is one of those. The thing I loved about the drama is the friendship between Christina and Meridith. I remember Christina saying to her then Fiance’ Burke about Meridith :

“She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person.”

SANDRA OH, ELLEN POMPEO

This just moved me soo much. I believe we all have one person in our lives who is like that. To me that person is my best Friend Nosheen. I can do the worst mistake of my life and though she would scold me and taunt me till death about it but she would still remain my friend; she would still be there for me no matter what I did in life. At least that’s what I believe and I want to believe. That no matter how bad I may have been as a friend to her in the past but she will still forgive me and remain my friend till life allows us.

And no this does not mean we are the most peace loving most content of friends. We fight a lot. We fight about petty issues. Sometimes the fights are about small issues like who came late for a meeting, who didn’t message that day, who made a plan and didn’t show up. Ok usually I m the one who makes mistakes and Nosheen is the one who doesn’t let me get away with those mistakes (lolz) but this has made our friendship grow stronger and stronger. We also have totally different lives, different religious beliefs and we even belong to different religious sects but I don’t think if this has really mattered. I can’t think of anyone else to text even the very minute details of my life; like what did I make for supper or what annoyed me so much that day except Nosheen.

Maybe this is the same kind of relationship House had with Wilson; someone who had trust issues like myself can trust only a very few people in life and I suppose NOsheen is one of those few people. I can say she is my person ……. The one person I can totally depend on when it comes to emotional crisis, emotional issues. I don’t know if I am her person or not but she is definitely my person.

Who is your person?

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