Adulthood, Marriage and my kiddy insider
Adulthood, marriage and me
Ok so here I am; writing about something which I myself just haven’t had a hang on yet. I have lived a life filled with people, filled with kiddy cousins and friends. There was no trace of responsibility, no sense of any discipline and no sense of actually considering the fact that I am a grown up adult and a responsible working woman who is also married?, which means I am the one supposed to take life really seriously, really responsibly…..gulp……..now here comes the twist!.
In my part of the world marriage ; especially a girl’s marriage brings a lot of responsibility to the girl which also means that this is the time she should act maturely and start taking life seriously. But no in my case it was the absolute contrast, time before my marriage was spent in shopping which meant lots of time outside home just having fun, roaming about in the malls and markets with my cousins. When we would reach home after having done lots of enjoyment, after having had dinner outside somewhere, having had ice-cream or coffee or just anything which could bring some sense of joy to us and yes a little bit of shopping; we would act as if oh my god we are the most responsible beings around here, trying to do the best shopping for the arrangements of the shadi. These visits to the market were subsequently fixed at times to meet my fiancé.
Then the marriage ceremony came and all I was interested was the dance preparation of my cousins and my dress. I don’t know maybe there might have been moments when I took it seriously but they were just too minute to gain my attention. Then finally the day came … I was all ready wearing my red wedding gown and oh boy I looked great and I was just flying in the air. All I cared about was that I am just looking awesome.
I wonder where does all the emotionalism come into Marriage in the movies since that never happened with me; I remember floundering in air assuming myself to be at the top of the world, to be the most prettiest, the princess of the day… I know it sounds too filmy I suppose but that’s how I felt?
Today I am busy working in a corporate organization; attending so called serious meetings (where everyone’s supposed to nod in the most intellectual manner as if he/she just knows everything and that no one else has ever been more serious and professional then him/her), being married for more then an year; attending in- law parties with great sophistication (or atleast trying my level best to be sophisticated) driving my own car (ofcourse
my dad’s car to be precise), cooking food and everything else which a proud adult does or would be doing.
But everyday when I’m driving home or I am making food there’s this kiddish voice in my mind “see I did it, oh my God I did not make any mistake today”.
Then there is always this scene at work when my boss calls me in and I walk in with the utter most serious attitude (as if no one else ever was more serious).
Then comes the session of attending a meeting and the kid inside me peeps out sheepishly through the glasses ( I tell him to go back) and there I am again in a serious conversation with someone assuming maybe that’s how one is supposed to act. (The kid inside me is constantly peeping out and making funny faces as I glare at a few slides which are just too cluttered ……. I don’t know what to call them but the ones which just go totally above my head … I again tell him to sit quietly. He goes & sits at a corner with a sad face ).
I wonder why don’t other people’s kiddish insiders peep out or maybe I m the only one with this kid inside me? Will this kiddy widdy inside me ever grow or I will have to live up with him forever?
Then after work the responsible me comes home and takes the role of a responsible Bahu & a responsible wife (ok now after spending more then 1 year with me; my hubby knows I am not all that responsible afterall ,actually he kinda knows my insider now). And I am the one on which my father in law and mother in law can count on in times of trouble or help.
And then comes night time where I can just go into my room, talk to my hubby or meet my friends or cousins and relax. Then comes out the real me…. The kid who was peeping outside my glasses is set loose now to do whatever he wants to do.
And this is the session when I can give a whole account of the serious me in the most hilarious and most comic way to my friends;
“and then I nodded, yes sir I’ ll get it right away and you know what?, I had lost it some 1 week
back and I didn’t even know where to look for”
or maybe I would be telling them
“ and then my father in law asked me ok can you please get me the juice in the fridge and I nodded yes and how I slipped all bad in the kitchen with the juice spilled all over the kitchen and myself and how I ended up lying to him ‘actually abbu zee must have drank the juice as I cant find it’ and how he believed it while I spent most of my evening cleaning the kitchen”
Then there are days when I just look around at people! People my age but can end up with an excellent extempore on huge conversations without having to gulp their first bit of sputum. People are so aware of the political scene that they also end up remembering the exact figures (I also tried so hard to remember the exact number of villages damaged in the floods or the exact details of the Japan catastrophe but…. I guess at the right time I never got to remember them)
I then look at myself and I see someone who just hasn’t been able to change even after so many serious incidents like marriage or job. I look back at things which just went excellent and……actually I m not able to remember any. I think of not putting so much strain on my mind so I think of all the times when things did not go right and oh boy……just with a single click my instant mind computer has opened like 100 new windows? All with a different visual and a different theme. Ok so let’s look at one:
This one begins with me and my hubby sitting in a hotel (some good hotel to be precise), its hardly been a few days since our marriage and how I m trying hard to be the sophisticated me and viola…I stand up to get the food from the buffet and the fork sitting very next to me is on the floor with a loud “thud” and everyone around me just turns to see who it was…I just turn away to the buffet area hoping every one assumed it was someone else … yes my hubby knew it was me.
I think that maybe its this marriage or this new job and maybe I need to be a bit more serious, I convince myself that ok now its time to grow up (Now telling oneself to grow up at such an age is already very weird and late when one has already crossed adulthood ages back and when one is stepping into their oldie 30s)
I end up coming home acting all serious and all responsible. I decide to do everything on time and to keep everything in its exact right place. I take care of the pile of clothes that had occupied the corner of the room since a week because since I am going to be all this new responsible me I have to keep everything in place.
My Hubby asks me “whats going on?, why are you acting so weird”
I say “Nothing, I have decided to be the responsible one from now on” he looks at me again and pops out in a big laugh
“You and responsible???hahaha cut that out … be normal now”
And I just cant understand why me being responsible can’t be normal. Everyone else is?
Then I realize that I need to live with the fact that no matter what ever I do this kiddy part of me will always remain alive and which will help me remain lively in today’s depressive world. I guess everyone in today’s time needs to keep their kiddy insider alive so that the tragedies of the world may seem a bit diminished.
“Oh Forgot, needed to write a looonnnnggg report on an event”………..see you soon.
So do you also have a kid inside you?