So here it is. I have come to a few realizations about myself in the last one year. I have come to realize that I am an unhappy person by nature, that I am bitter inside….that I have bitter thoughts about almost everyone; towards almost every thought and the worst thing is that I am not even ashamed about it. Though the bitterness doesn’t come out in front of most people, but the bad part about this is that the bitterness does come out in front of the very few people who somehow matter to me; which shouldn’t be the case I suppose. This bitterness comes out in front of people from whom I expect a lot but I end up getting nothing. This bitterness has left me hollow inside….. Shallow ….. it has made me unable to trust or rely on anyone. It seems like I am on my own and this will be like this forever.
I just came across a line by someone that they had trust issues since childhood. I somehow realized that same is the case with me and I didn’t realize this until a few years back that I have trust issues, I hardly trust anyone except myself. I don’t expect people to do anything for me and when they do; it either surprises me or it ends up leaving me guilty. One more realization I got about myself is that I become guilty very quickly and people have taken advantage of this fact. What amazes me is that why wasn’t I ever able to realize this fact that I do get guilty very easily and there are a certain set of people who actually try to make me guilt conscious and I guess they have been successful at it to in actually being on my nerves for days.
These days it seems like I am all alone in life.. I guess I was always like this; sad and lonely. Life and its complications just made it a bit easier to forget. I have also come to the realization that maybe dreams really don’t come true …… my dad struggled all life and even today he is in a struggle… so my dream of becoming a very rich person one day is not going to be fulfilled atleast not in this lifetime; maybe my children might see a better tomorrow but that needs time.