Search

Driffi's Blog

How i look at life

Month

September 2013

My new found love; Baking

Whenever I think of my childhood and my mother I remember her baking cakes and how I loved eating the raw batter and how my mom dad used to tell me not to but I somehow still used to sneak into and get some raw batter. Thoughts of baking brought me those memories …… memories of my mother and somehow they hurt………. Why they hurt you’ll find out in a few blogs sooner but right now the focus is on baking. For years I avoided anything to do with baking because I didn’t want to miss those memories of my mom ……. But I guess this didn’t last long. As soon as my daughter was born all I wanted to do was to learn how to bake so that I m able to make one really nice one for my daughter’s birthday.

Well this new love wasn’t born just like that; but I had a strong inspiration from someone: I read an article about a woman named Saira Faruqi in Dawn and I couldn’t help checkout her cakes and man are they yummy!!!!. So this is what brought some inspiration. If you want to check out her work you can visit this Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/saira.faruqi/photos

Well what attracted me are fondant cakes; well don’t worry I can’t make fondant cakes right now but I will one day Insha’Allah. I know I will. Although it won’t be for work purposes I just want to learn baking for myself and my daughter and husband. Here I won’t be sharing my expertise with you guys since I m not an expert on this subject from any angle but my experiments of how I am learning baking day by day so that I may be able to learn some more stuff about things I may be missing here. And who knows maybe someday I might upload pictures of my hand made awesome fondant cakes. 

So these days all I m doing is mastering the art of baking simple cakes; it doesn’t include icing yet since I did try to make buttercream icing but it didn’t work out yet. But I am hoping I will be able to make one with buttercream icing and then fondant icing one day too. I am sharing all this here so that I may be able to learn stuff about baking here.

I began with doing loads and loads of research about cakes and their recipes and the first cake I made was a plain vanilla cake.

The recipe is from Glorious Treats since I just love her cakes and her photography and I wish that someday I can bake just like her. Well the recipe turned out just wonderful.

Then somehow it struck me to make a rainbow cake and I searched for the procedure and it seemed very simple. Though I am calling it a rainbow cake but I only had three colours; pink, purple, green and orange. I just added those colours to my vanilla cake batter and viola …. It turned quiet fabulous.

Here are a few images from my 4 coloured rainbow cake .

IMAG0792

IMAG0798

IMAG0801

IMAG0802

IMAG0803
If you want the recipe please check out this link by glorious treats since the recipe is hers.

http://www.glorioustreats.com/2011/07/perfect-vanilla-cupcakes-recipe.html

Once you visit her blog; you’ll simply love her cakes and her food photography. I am simply in love with her work and I wish someday I am able to make the buttercream just like her … somehow my turns out very runny.  maybe it has to do with the weather here in Karachi.

Another person who has not only impressed me but has also helped me out with my baking is a friend of my best friend; and this is her facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/TnkCaketory?ref=stream

She gave me lots of suggestions and tips for improvement and I am sure I will be needing lots of help from her in the future as well. I am simply in love with her flower techniques and her happy home cake. She is a self learner and is still improvising her work day by day.

I’ll share more of my work as I progress. Till than happy baking.

Vents of a new mommy

Ok I’ll be very honest here. Taking care of your little one can be very overwhelming and I mean really overwhelming honestly. At least that’s how things started at my end; when my little daughter (now 5 months old) was born; I was very apprehensive and overwhelmed. Instead of enjoying those moments I was either upset or depressed or frustrated at the thought of very little or almost no help around with the baby. I didn’t know who to look upto since my family wasn’t in town and my husband was very busy with his work (would be going at 8 in the morning and came back at 8 in the night) and my in laws who live with us……. Well they were busy with another kid who began coming to our place the very next day my daughter was born. I won’t go into the depth here but this kid who is just 6 months older than my baby began coming to our place the day I got discharged from the hospital and this was the day when my daughter was only 4 days old and I sooo needed help with her.

Having a c section made it so difficult to do even the very simple tasks like getting up and picking up my baby, trying to give her a bath, going to the washroom and taking a shower, making something for myself for breakfast. But since my mum in law was busy with this other kid I had to do everything all by myself except giving my daughter a bath since she was soooo fragile at that moment and I really didn’t know how to manage and handle her during a bath. So mum in law would wait for the other kid to sleep and then we’d give my daughter a bath. It was a very tough time for me and I would be in tears by the end of the day after spending the whole day alone with my baby in my room. I had to get up and make my own breakfast since the very next day of getting discharged from the hospital; I washed my baby’s clothes myself since the very same day. I know I sound so bad and I know I am venting here but see I don’t get it; what was the use of living in a joint family system if we didn’t get any help at the time it was most needed.

Ok I may be mad at my in-laws but it wasn’t their fault either since they did try their best but things just weren’t working out the way they should have been. I believe the parents of the other kid should have been more considerate in leaving their kid at our place with my mum in-law and at least they should have waited for another week or so; at least I would have gotten a proper time to heal around, the parents of this other kid could have taken off from their work for at least a few days …. What is family for anyways if they can’t be there for you or help you when you are in need? Instead of leaving their kid at our place I had actually expected some help with the baby but instead of being a helping hand they even took away the few helping hands I could have gotten from my mum in law. And though I healed quickly, by the tenth day I even began making meals for the family at my home since there wasn’t any other choice but the hurt is still there and it just won’t go away like that. And whenever I see this other kid I remember how unfair her parents were with me when I really needed help but I guess this is how life is supposed to be!. I believe that tables will turn someday! I just wish for once that they could realize their mistake….. That’s all I want ….. Just a little sorry but I know this is not happening! So much for understanding the philosophy of a joint family system.

House Ended; the end of an Era

Me and Hubby watched the whole House series this summer and it ended just two days back and I must say it seemed like the end of an era. After Friends probably House was the only series which left a huge impact on my life….. Really a huge impact. Yes Gray’s Anatomy is a different genre but nothing in comparison to House.

While hubby was more impressed by the way House solved problems, I on the other hand was really in love with the personalities that House and Wilson depicted; I could soo relate to House in so many ways (atleast my hubby thinks I m cold hearted like him ;))

The thing which really inspired me was house’s sarcasm. We all relate to stuff that he believed or he said in some way or the other but usually either we are too scared to admit it because of the fear of being judged or there are some people who consider it really wrong morally. I guess I don’t belong to either of the categories.

imagesCAVFYRD0

I also believe that everybody lies…… it’s just a matter of what we lie about. We all portray life to be different; either we want to prove that ours is much better and other times we like to show that ours is really worse; that we are the real sufferers.

House was someone who did not believe in family; did not believe in bonding. That bonding, love hurts and it sure does. Love, expectations they all hurt. House was truthful to the point that it could hurt someone so badly but he said the truth filled with sarcasm. We all want to be able to get the guts to tell the truth to so many people in our lives but either we are afraid of hurting them or losing them or we are just scared of the consequences and we shut up.

Another interesting thing depicted is that when people care excessively it is not normal; it usually has some motive. And then there are few people who do care but they believe that showing that they care makes them vulnerable; weak.

imagesCAQ7V8VD

The reality is irrelevant. It definitely is. People look at the world and others by their own perspective. Most people don’t want to accept the realities or face the truth. Very few people look at the depth of everything and are able to judge personalities. The world has become very materialistic; we judge people by worldly materialistic things.

Another interesting thing House believed and to which I totally agree is that Parents damage their children. I totally agree to this. Sometimes being overly loved damages us. Sometimes being less loved or less around them damages us. Some parents end up putting too many responsibilities on their kids and manipulate them in such a way that they end up believing that this is their job; that this is their sole responsibility to do all of this and if they don’t then they fail as children. Here also the parents damage in such a way that the kid even fails to understand or apprehend that he/she has been totally damaged as a person by his parents. Then there are the other set of people like house who end up avoiding their parents as much as they can because meeting them means being hurt … I belong to this category. But since no one can be completely like house, so not meeting them means lots of guilt, lots of ifs and buts and lots of “Kaash”.(in Urdu means I wish).

house

Wanting to Believe the best about people doesn’t make it true. People we love; people who have been important in our lives we don’t want them to be wrong. We always want to see them through beautifully tinted glasses but that’s not always true. They are usually not the most perfect people what the whole world considers them to be. This can be hurting especially when we finally come to terms in believing what they actually are and what we have been considering them. This happens with me lots of times. I want to believe that generally people are nicer, that people are harmless but my experiences have usually proved otherwise.

imagesCAF9P6B3

Normal is overrated. It certainly is. And everyone has their own definition of being normal; we shouldn’t impose our normality on other people it just isn’t fair. People have different personalities and different wants, something that I like can be despised by someone else and this shouldn’t be an issue; this should be accepted as the universal fact that we all are different and it is COMPLETELY OK to be different. What is not ok is to want people to act and think like us. What is not normal is to assume that people will do what we expect out of them. I guess this is something I also need to accept in life and realize. That I can’t make people do stuff that I want; yes but I can expect them to let ME DO What I want in life!.

Another aspect depicted in this series is that there is an end to everything; whether good or bad has come to an end; as we all know ….. In the End Everybody Dies.

imagesCA6HZ383

(Images have been taken from the following websites after a random google image search:
http://www.fanpop.com
martin.blogspot.com
http://www.picstopin.com
http://www.rugusavay.com)

The Kiddy Insider

Adulthood, Marriage and my kiddy insider

Adulthood, marriage and me

Ok so here I am; writing about something which I myself just haven’t had a hang on yet. I have lived a life filled with people, filled with kiddy cousins and friends. There was no trace of responsibility, no sense of any discipline and no sense of actually considering the fact that I am a grown up adult and a responsible working woman who is also married?, which means I am the one supposed to take life really seriously, really responsibly…..gulp……..now here comes the twist!.

In my part of the world marriage ; especially a girl’s marriage brings a lot of responsibility to the girl which also means that this is the time she should act maturely and start taking life seriously. But no in my case it was the absolute contrast, time before my marriage was spent in shopping which meant lots of time outside home just having fun, roaming about in the malls and markets with my cousins. When we would reach home after having done lots of enjoyment, after having had dinner outside somewhere, having had ice-cream or coffee or just anything which could bring some sense of joy to us and yes a little bit of shopping; we would act as if oh my god we are the most responsible beings around here, trying to do the best shopping for the arrangements of the shadi. These visits to the market were subsequently fixed at times to meet my fiancé.

Then the marriage ceremony came and all I was interested was the dance preparation of my cousins and my dress. I don’t know maybe there might have been moments when I took it seriously but they were just too minute to gain my attention. Then finally the day came … I was all ready wearing my red wedding gown and oh boy I looked great and I was just flying in the air. All I cared about was that I am just looking awesome.

I wonder where does all the emotionalism come into Marriage in the movies since that never happened with me; I remember floundering in air assuming myself to be at the top of the world, to be the most prettiest, the princess of the day… I know it sounds too filmy I suppose but that’s how I felt?

Today I am busy working in a corporate organization; attending so called serious meetings (where everyone’s supposed to nod in the most intellectual manner as if he/she just knows everything and that no one else has ever been more serious and professional then him/her), being married for more then an year; attending in- law parties with great sophistication (or atleast trying my level best to be sophisticated) driving my own car (ofcourse
my dad’s car to be precise), cooking food and everything else which a proud adult does or would be doing.

But everyday when I’m driving home or I am making food there’s this kiddish voice in my mind “see I did it, oh my God I did not make any mistake today”.
Then there is always this scene at work when my boss calls me in and I walk in with the utter most serious attitude (as if no one else ever was more serious).

Then comes the session of attending a meeting and the kid inside me peeps out sheepishly through the glasses ( I tell him to go back) and there I am again in a serious conversation with someone assuming maybe that’s how one is supposed to act. (The kid inside me is constantly peeping out and making funny faces as I glare at a few slides which are just too cluttered ……. I don’t know what to call them but the ones which just go totally above my head … I again tell him to sit quietly. He goes & sits at a corner with a sad face ).

I wonder why don’t other people’s kiddish insiders peep out or maybe I m the only one with this kid inside me? Will this kiddy widdy inside me ever grow or I will have to live up with him forever?

Then after work the responsible me comes home and takes the role of a responsible Bahu & a responsible wife (ok now after spending more then 1 year with me; my hubby knows I am not all that responsible afterall ,actually he kinda knows my insider now). And I am the one on which my father in law and mother in law can count on in times of trouble or help.

And then comes night time where I can just go into my room, talk to my hubby or meet my friends or cousins and relax. Then comes out the real me…. The kid who was peeping outside my glasses is set loose now to do whatever he wants to do.

And this is the session when I can give a whole account of the serious me in the most hilarious and most comic way to my friends;

“and then I nodded, yes sir I’ ll get it right away and you know what?, I had lost it some 1 week
back and I didn’t even know where to look for”

or maybe I would be telling them

“ and then my father in law asked me ok can you please get me the juice in the fridge and I nodded yes and how I slipped all bad in the kitchen with the juice spilled all over the kitchen and myself and how I ended up lying to him ‘actually abbu zee must have drank the juice as I cant find it’ and how he believed it while I spent most of my evening cleaning the kitchen”
Then there are days when I just look around at people! People my age but can end up with an excellent extempore on huge conversations without having to gulp their first bit of sputum. People are so aware of the political scene that they also end up remembering the exact figures (I also tried so hard to remember the exact number of villages damaged in the floods or the exact details of the Japan catastrophe but…. I guess at the right time I never got to remember them)

I then look at myself and I see someone who just hasn’t been able to change even after so many serious incidents like marriage or job. I look back at things which just went excellent and……actually I m not able to remember any. I think of not putting so much strain on my mind so I think of all the times when things did not go right and oh boy……just with a single click my instant mind computer has opened like 100 new windows? All with a different visual and a different theme. Ok so let’s look at one:

This one begins with me and my hubby sitting in a hotel (some good hotel to be precise), its hardly been a few days since our marriage and how I m trying hard to be the sophisticated me and viola…I stand up to get the food from the buffet and the fork sitting very next to me is on the floor with a loud “thud” and everyone around me just turns to see who it was…I just turn away to the buffet area hoping every one assumed it was someone else … yes my hubby knew it was me.

I think that maybe its this marriage or this new job and maybe I need to be a bit more serious, I convince myself that ok now its time to grow up (Now telling oneself to grow up at such an age is already very weird and late when one has already crossed adulthood ages back and when one is stepping into their oldie 30s)
I end up coming home acting all serious and all responsible. I decide to do everything on time and to keep everything in its exact right place. I take care of the pile of clothes that had occupied the corner of the room since a week because since I am going to be all this new responsible me I have to keep everything in place.
My Hubby asks me “whats going on?, why are you acting so weird”

I say “Nothing, I have decided to be the responsible one from now on” he looks at me again and pops out in a big laugh

“You and responsible???hahaha cut that out … be normal now”

And I just cant understand why me being responsible can’t be normal. Everyone else is?
Then I realize that I need to live with the fact that no matter what ever I do this kiddy part of me will always remain alive and which will help me remain lively in today’s depressive world. I guess everyone in today’s time needs to keep their kiddy insider alive so that the tragedies of the world may seem a bit diminished.

“Oh Forgot, needed to write a looonnnnggg report on an event”………..see you soon.

So do you also have a kid inside you?

Walking in the Darkness

As he sat in his reading chair; the light from the window opposite the reading table shone directly into his eyes; blinding him out for a moment. He raised his hand to cover his eyes but then something happened. He began staring into the deep sun light.

Then he fanatically began scrolling and searching through his drawers. There were papers and old books all dusky, he scrolled through them frantically to find something; papers falling on the table, books peeping out of the half closed drawers. Then he sat down on the floor frantically looking at the papers as if trying to find something. But there was nothing there. He gave out a loud sigh and began looking at his wrinkled hand. “I am old aren’t I” he questioned himself. And then started to rub his hands over his face; as if trying to feel the wrinkles or trying to recognize himself? But this didn’t satisfy him.

He got up and began to rush but then he looked at the room. On the front wall was a huge portrait; he couldn’t recall of whose. There was an old Victorian pair of chairs placed below the portrait and next to it was the door. It opened into the terrace where there were two plastic chairs and a table and lots of potted plants. The weather seemed fresh and he could feel cool breeze on his face. He looked around to find another door and there it was on the second wall; closed. He went up to the door; placed his hand on the knob but didn’t seem to open it. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t open it. Was it locked? What was with the door? He sat on the floor again looking with pale eyes at the door; like a little child unable to open a lock.

There was a little mirror on a table besides the door; he picked it up and began staring into it strangely; there was an old man in the mirror with wrinkled skin, hazel brown eyes and white hair. He stared for a long time as if he didn’t know who the person was in the mirror.

He reclined his back to the wall and began staring into the space. Don’t know how long he stayed like this when he heard a knock on the door with someone saying “Baba are you in there?”. He didn’t respond; “Who is Baba” he wondered?

And then a 15 year old boy opened the door and entered the room and began talking to this old man “Baba you are here; God Ammi is looking all over the place for you; here take my hand; what are you doing on the floor?”

And the boy handed over his hand to the old fellow; to help him get up. But the old fellow still didn’t respond; as the boy’s hand touched him, he gave out a little expression of uneasiness and then stood up.

“ Baba you are alright na” the boy asked again and the old man responded in a very unsure way “ye..yes”

“Why didn’t you come out then instead of sitting on the floor”

“The door…. I couldn’t open the door, how do we open these doors?”

And Ali knew what had happened.

“See Baba you hold the knob and turn it right”, did you get it?. “Oh ok ye..yes I get it”

Then The Old man began looking strangely at Ali.

“Baba; you do recognize me don’t you? I’ m Ali, your Son”.

“Of…Ofcourse I recognize you; how can I forget my son?”; and he held Ali’s Hand; still seeming unsure of the whole situation.

The young boy took him into the lounge and helped him settle on the table where lunch was served. The Old man settled and looked into Ali’s eyes as if unsure why he was brought here. Ali nodded as if trying to say don’t worry I’m coming and walked into the kitchen;

“Ammi, Baba is here, please come so we all can have lunch”

“Oh yes where was your baba? I was looking all over for him?”

“He was in the study; don’t worry hes here now”

“He is alright na?” his mom looked into his eyes questioningly?.

“Oh yes ammi come on; he’s absolutely fine, you women are always freaked out”

And his mother gave him a queer look.

But deep down inside he knew he wasn’t alright.

“Time has come when he has begun forgetting usual daily chores; time has come when he has begun forgetting his own family. Time is quiet near when he’ll even forget how to eat or drink and Ammi needs to be very strong for that time”; thought Ali as he looked at his mother happily making fresh chapatis for his father. Then he turned back to look at baba; who was busy making sketchs on the table with the fork.

Bitterness Inside

So here it is. I have come to a few realizations about myself in the last one year. I have come to realize that I am an unhappy person by nature, that I am bitter inside….that I have bitter thoughts about almost everyone; towards almost every thought and the worst thing is that I am not even ashamed about it. Though the bitterness doesn’t come out in front of most people, but the bad part about this is that the bitterness does come out in front of the very few people who somehow matter to me; which shouldn’t be the case I suppose. This bitterness comes out in front of people from whom I expect a lot but I end up getting nothing. This bitterness has left me hollow inside….. Shallow ….. it has made me unable to trust or rely on anyone. It seems like I am on my own and this will be like this forever.

I just came across a line by someone that they had trust issues since childhood. I somehow realized that same is the case with me and I didn’t realize this until a few years back that I have trust issues, I hardly trust anyone except myself. I don’t expect people to do anything for me and when they do; it either surprises me or it ends up leaving me guilty. One more realization I got about myself is that I become guilty very quickly and people have taken advantage of this fact. What amazes me is that why wasn’t I ever able to realize this fact that I do get guilty very easily and there are a certain set of people who actually try to make me guilt conscious and I guess they have been successful at it to in actually being on my nerves for days.

These days it seems like I am all alone in life.. I guess I was always like this; sad and lonely. Life and its complications just made it a bit easier to forget. I have also come to the realization that maybe dreams really don’t come true …… my dad struggled all life and even today he is in a struggle… so my dream of becoming a very rich person one day is not going to be fulfilled atleast not in this lifetime; maybe my children might see a better tomorrow but that needs time.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑