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Driffi's Blog

How i look at life

Elitism; dream vs reality

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As I sat in one of the most exquisite cosmetology clinics waiting for my turn to come; I couldn’t help but look up at all the people visiting there while scrolling through the social diaries magazines and wonder…… There were so many stones unturned, so many dreams unfulfilled or perhaps life didn’t go as planned.

As I shuffled through pages filled with Armani, and Chanel and Gucci I couldn’t help my hands from going constantly through my messed up untidily tied hair,through my receding hairline and a pair of unironed clothes worn in haste. I couldn’t help realize I was the mother of a little girl & a working woman in her early 30s and not even half of what I had thought I would be by this time. I thought  I’d be wearing an Armani or a Valentino by now,I d own a couple of Louis Vuittons and Pradas and that too the original ones. Or perhaps being a student I was a big dreamer. But then there was a lot which I did achieve, don’t know if it was worthwhile though ….. As it happens in life we forget what we get and remember only what we don’t get …….. There was a time where probably brands such as Mango, H&M, Khaddi were unapproachable too. And it wasent about the brands ….it was about attaining a certain status a certain benchmark in life where this all would be a part of the deal ….a part of the package.

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I guess as humans we lose the worth of what we have achieved. Perhaps it enables us to keep the fire enkindled for desires or else we all would die without any struggle.

As I scrolled through the pages I realized it will take another lifetime to really be one of those; those exquisite unique ones. I realized I would not be one of those; those special ones who could steal the show….maybe by their charm or maybe by their expensive wardrobe or by their magic of speaking, I realized I didn’t have any of those … that I would always be one from the crowd….the common person ….. That’s what I have been and will always be no matter how much I try. Life is so competitive, you achieve a milestone, the world is ready with another benchmark …its like climbing a ladder which has no end, the stairs keep on extending farther ahead ….there is nothing on top coz we are never to reach our top.

I get up … I know I ll just die a loser and this is it.

Just then my daughter comes up and hugs me …I look at her and I realize …. I still have the next 30 years to prove myself (hopefully) ….to prove to this little being that your mom was worthwhile …..just the thought brings back all the aspirations… I think I can still do it ….. Armani hang on ….. I still have time😉

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Sohni Dharti Allah Rakhey….

Driffi's Blog

  

“Sohni Dharti Allah Rakhey Qadam Qadam Aabad tujhe…Qadam Qadam aabad”

 (Beautiful Land… May Allah Bless you with Prosperity…. A never ending Prosperity)

Even today when I listen to this melody I cannot help but shed a tear or two from my eye. My heart still aches when the poet prays for this land… My Land and I cannot stop but look at the sky and say a silent prayer to my God “Oh Lord please protect my Land; please bring peace and prosperity to this land”.

I look out of the window and see children wearing green shirts and playing cricket in the streets. And why wouldn’t they? It is the match season. I cannot stop but give out a big smile; after all; cricket is the pride of our nation. Yes people try to ruin it; they always have and I frown at the thought of Omer…

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As the Candles Blow Out …….

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I don’t know where to begin. It’s as if life gives us signals and we unintentionally walk in those lanes where a message is hidden for us. Something similar happened with me. I walked past an old lane of my life and something happened. As if God had made me go to a certain place…. Just to find out that an old friend of mine was on a life support … fighting for her life.

I just happened to pass by this place when out of curiosity I called up a friend to see whether we could actually meet or just hang out … a friend who was out of contact since a couple of months … and it was very shocking to hear that she was actually fighting for her life … and today she passed away That she suffered a sudden brain hemorrhage or maybe some aneurysm had burst and she just passed away.

That is not what made me sad…. After all this was Allah’s will and as they say we all have to go one day… but what bothered me was the difficult life she had had and just the thought of this made me lose my mnd and I just had a feeling that is Allah unfair?.

She wasn’t my best friend…. I don’t think I have ever made a best friend but she was one of those special people in my life with whom I connected at a very deep level…. She wasn’t very old…. She was hardly 9 or 10 years senior to me but somehow we connected like anything. She was a very humble person deep down but somehow life had made her rigid. She didn’t have a father and was the youngest of her family and somehow it seems that she was neglected too. She got married to someone living in America whom she didn’t even know and when she went there she found out that he was a fraud and all he wanted was that she gives Steps and earns money. And when she was unable to do so he sent her back with divorce papers. I remember her telling me something about how he didn’t even tell her that he will give her a divorce and how she just came to Pakistan to meet her family and when she came back this is what she got!!!.

Life took her to different places; for some years she lived with her sister in America and worked in a Library. Then I don’t know why she came back. Sometimes she used to say that it’s difficult to live with married sisters and sometimes she told me how she missed medical practice and came back just because of that but I never got to know the truth behind it. She never said anything but she loved this sister a lot. I remember how once she told me something about an aqiq ring she used to wear everytime and how once her sister heard somewhere that women who wear Aqiq in their index finger end up getting divorced and how absurd this seemed to hear but at the same time it seemed so scary… because she actually did get divorced.

Here she was so lonely… she lived with her mother. I visited her a few times at her home and it was unbelievable to actually see the kind of life she led. She used to work in the Oncology Unit in the mornings and at night she used to take care of her sick mother. I saw her washing and bathing her mother herself… this is definitely a big deal….. I remember talking to her a few months back how she was getting an amazing job opportunity in Saudi Arabia which she desperately wanted to take but which she turned down just because she used to be so scared of the fact that who will take care of her mother. Life is so unpredictable….. how today her mother still lives but she is no more with us.

She used to long companionship…. How much she wanted to have a nice life partner who would actually take care of her. She used to talk about another sister who lived here near her home only whose daughters were almost her age…. How this sister always gave preference to her daughters only and not her. How she used to feel the pain when this sister used to talk about stuff k who will marry her she isn’t very pretty like my daughters afterall…. This was so hard to believe coming out from a sister…. A real sister…

I am lost because I knew she was lonely and depressed and I somehow got so involved in my own life that I didn’t even give a dam about calling her. I am lost because she did get married for a second time and she died exactly 6 days after her marriage. I am lost because she just didn’t tell anyone about getting married…. But maybe she was soo depressed or.. maybe soo much happy that she just got so overwhelmed that she just didn’t want to share?. I am lost because its so sad that I don’t even have a picture of hers which I could remember forever. She didn’t have a facebook page, she didn’t have much friends. She lived a silent life… but despite that I know she touched so many lives.. she treated so many cancer patients… I know she was an amazing person and may Allah forgive her sins and grant her a place in heaven.

This just gave me lots of ifs and buts about my life…… Life is so short…… we spend our entire life just planning and trying for a better future a brighter tomorrow but we don’t know when our tomorrow will just end. I don’t even have a picture of hers to remember because I never gave it the importance… because I never thought one of us would not live forever. And If I were her that means I only have 10 more years to live… only 10 more years to actually do all my prayers to cover up all the lack of Ibadat for the past 30 years?. Is it even justifiable? And the biggest guilt and the biggest repentance is that I knew she wasn’t happy… I knew she was going through a difficult time but I somehow got drowned in my own life…. If only I had tried to contact her in the last 6 months atleast I would have known of what she was going through emotionally during this time. This has given me the biggest reality check that how we think we will have a tomorrow to spend time with our friends and family… but what if that tomorrow never comes???

Then something gives me a little peace as well….That she got someone in her life a month before her passed away. I remember after her divorce she used to get proposals but she would turn them down because they just weren’t upto her mark In terms of education. All she used to desire was someone who was educated enough and who had a good intellectual insight; and what gives me a little satisfaction is that she did find some companionship in her last time… that probably she was happy for the first time in her life.

I remember how she used to long for a life of a woman married to a guy who would take her out for a long drive, for shopping, for groceries even… And today when I talked to her husband it seemed like she lived her whole life in those 6 days. How he told me that she would ask him to take her out for rides how they went to buy the whole grocery for the home.. How she used to be so excited to go out with him in the car. But I could understand because I realized she was living her dream life. It gives me a little peace to think that maybe she died a peaceful life… That maybe she was destined to die as a married woman….. It does sound cheesy but this is what had happened… she was lonely and longed for a companion in life … Maybe Allah is Fair Afterall…..

No matter what happens I will always remember you….
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Fears, Anger, Resentment

So here it is. I think I am suffering from Postpartum depression right now because I am not able to clearly think lately. I feel resentful towards my husband most of the days because he gets to go out (without kid lolz :P) and even at home he spends his time in front of the laptop while I not only take care of the baby but I also do all the other household stuff; cooking, ironing his clothes, and many others.

To add on to the frustration we live with in-laws and though they are nice people genuinely but they are a different family obviously; they have different priorities and obviously the whole system is run according to their needs and their priorities; my priorities being muffled somewhere in the background. People believe its ok to live with in laws in our part of the world and even I used to believe the same but things have been so tough lately. Even if I m tired I have to go and meet my in-laws guests (my husbands brothers and nieces nephews) who by the way pop in at any time without even informing considering that it is their parent’s home and they don’t need to inform. Ok I understand that they don’t need to inform but wouldn’t it be so nice if they did once in a while for a change?. Then there are those guests who often come from abroad to stay; even they are nice people but then it means we have to take them to different places, take them to dinners and well our whole financial budget is completely out but my husband is soo ok with it. Then there are tons of social and family gatherings, weddings etc which I HAVE to attend just because we live with in laws. I soo wish I could back out of a few but hubby dear doesn’t understand. And amidst all of this when do we get time to even talk? I meant me and hubby. and even if we did get time he is busy completing his office work at home. Won’t all this add on to loads and loads of resentments towards him?.

Its because of all of these issues that I am mostly in a bad mood; I don’t want to talk to him most of the times but he honestly doesn’t seem to understand me a bit. all he can do is criticize that the shirt wasn’t ironed properly, the bathroom isn’t clean, there are cobwebs on the ceiling. I mean….. do I even have time to do all this?. I have to take care of a demanding 6 month old baby, I am preparing for medical board exams due in Feb 2014, I have to do some house chores and with all this frustration I can’t even concentrate on my studies and I am soo annoyed most of the times that I don’t know what to do. I am writing all of this here because I don’t have anyone as such to talk to; hubby dear doesn’t listen instead if I complain he gets annoyed. my family lives abroad and I am only left with friends and this blog. I know I have also changed a lot and have become quiet a nagging kind of a wife too but that’s because I am soo annoyed and resentful towards him because of his lack of help as well as lack of emotional support and lack of time. even if he has time he wants to do stuff which HE Likes. I want to go out but he wants to watch some stupid idiotic movie which half times my daughter doesn’t even let me watch with all her tantrums. I sooo want to go out with him enjoy stuff but he seems to be least understanding; yes tell him to go with his friends and he is ever ready to go out.

With all of this I soooo regret quitting an amazing job a couple of months back; but then quitting was necessary back then because of an incompetent cervix I was on a very prolonged bed rest and I was on a demanding job so couldn’t take a very long leave.

With all of this going on in my mind constantly I am unable to enjoy my daughter. I sometimes get mad at her too and shout at her when she doesn’t sleep or when she is constantly crying for hours and hours. I am fearful that I wont be able to work again (this is my biggest fear) and that I will always be living this miserable life at home as a homemaker (which I don’t don’t want to be at all), fear that I will always have to be dependent which I always hated. Then my mind clears and I know that why will I be jobless come on man?. I know I am highly educated, I have good work experience for both clinical jobs as well as a pharmaceutical job and when the time comes (after my exam) I will be able to find a job. its just all of these fears that stab me constantly. I want the sort of life back I was living almost an yar ago . I want my independence back, my job back, my car back ( which by the way I was given by my office) also most importantly I want to earn the same sort of money I was earning back then. DOes this make me a very bad and materialistic person?. DOes this make me a bad mom :(?. but how can I be a good mom if I am not happy?.

The Hurt is still there

sometimes its just so easy to hurt someone around with words …. but those who hurt don’t try to heal it. they think they can just say and do whatever they want and can get away with it with a little sorry. they think that just by saying the word sorry they are on the upper hand and you need to be ok now completely just because they have said a sorry. Can a simple word take away all the hurt that has been caused over and over again for years?. can a simple sorry take away the scars; the wound?. to me the hurt is still there…… And the ones who hurt are the ones you hold the dearest to your heart.

Who is your person?

Who is your person?

Being a doctor myself I have always been in love with medical dramas; Grays anatomy is one of those. The thing I loved about the drama is the friendship between Christina and Meridith. I remember Christina saying to her then Fiance’ Burke about Meridith :

“She’s my person. If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She’s my person.”

SANDRA OH, ELLEN POMPEO

This just moved me soo much. I believe we all have one person in our lives who is like that. To me that person is my best Friend Nosheen. I can do the worst mistake of my life and though she would scold me and taunt me till death about it but she would still remain my friend; she would still be there for me no matter what I did in life. At least that’s what I believe and I want to believe. That no matter how bad I may have been as a friend to her in the past but she will still forgive me and remain my friend till life allows us.

And no this does not mean we are the most peace loving most content of friends. We fight a lot. We fight about petty issues. Sometimes the fights are about small issues like who came late for a meeting, who didn’t message that day, who made a plan and didn’t show up. Ok usually I m the one who makes mistakes and Nosheen is the one who doesn’t let me get away with those mistakes (lolz) but this has made our friendship grow stronger and stronger. We also have totally different lives, different religious beliefs and we even belong to different religious sects but I don’t think if this has really mattered. I can’t think of anyone else to text even the very minute details of my life; like what did I make for supper or what annoyed me so much that day except Nosheen.

Maybe this is the same kind of relationship House had with Wilson; someone who had trust issues like myself can trust only a very few people in life and I suppose NOsheen is one of those few people. I can say she is my person ……. The one person I can totally depend on when it comes to emotional crisis, emotional issues. I don’t know if I am her person or not but she is definitely my person.

Who is your person?

My new found love; Baking

Whenever I think of my childhood and my mother I remember her baking cakes and how I loved eating the raw batter and how my mom dad used to tell me not to but I somehow still used to sneak into and get some raw batter. Thoughts of baking brought me those memories …… memories of my mother and somehow they hurt………. Why they hurt you’ll find out in a few blogs sooner but right now the focus is on baking. For years I avoided anything to do with baking because I didn’t want to miss those memories of my mom ……. But I guess this didn’t last long. As soon as my daughter was born all I wanted to do was to learn how to bake so that I m able to make one really nice one for my daughter’s birthday.

Well this new love wasn’t born just like that; but I had a strong inspiration from someone: I read an article about a woman named Saira Faruqi in Dawn and I couldn’t help checkout her cakes and man are they yummy!!!!. So this is what brought some inspiration. If you want to check out her work you can visit this Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/saira.faruqi/photos

Well what attracted me are fondant cakes; well don’t worry I can’t make fondant cakes right now but I will one day Insha’Allah. I know I will. Although it won’t be for work purposes I just want to learn baking for myself and my daughter and husband. Here I won’t be sharing my expertise with you guys since I m not an expert on this subject from any angle but my experiments of how I am learning baking day by day so that I may be able to learn some more stuff about things I may be missing here. And who knows maybe someday I might upload pictures of my hand made awesome fondant cakes. 

So these days all I m doing is mastering the art of baking simple cakes; it doesn’t include icing yet since I did try to make buttercream icing but it didn’t work out yet. But I am hoping I will be able to make one with buttercream icing and then fondant icing one day too. I am sharing all this here so that I may be able to learn stuff about baking here.

I began with doing loads and loads of research about cakes and their recipes and the first cake I made was a plain vanilla cake.

The recipe is from Glorious Treats since I just love her cakes and her photography and I wish that someday I can bake just like her. Well the recipe turned out just wonderful.

Then somehow it struck me to make a rainbow cake and I searched for the procedure and it seemed very simple. Though I am calling it a rainbow cake but I only had three colours; pink, purple, green and orange. I just added those colours to my vanilla cake batter and viola …. It turned quiet fabulous.

Here are a few images from my 4 coloured rainbow cake .

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If you want the recipe please check out this link by glorious treats since the recipe is hers.

http://www.glorioustreats.com/2011/07/perfect-vanilla-cupcakes-recipe.html

Once you visit her blog; you’ll simply love her cakes and her food photography. I am simply in love with her work and I wish someday I am able to make the buttercream just like her … somehow my turns out very runny.  maybe it has to do with the weather here in Karachi.

Another person who has not only impressed me but has also helped me out with my baking is a friend of my best friend; and this is her facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/TnkCaketory?ref=stream

She gave me lots of suggestions and tips for improvement and I am sure I will be needing lots of help from her in the future as well. I am simply in love with her flower techniques and her happy home cake. She is a self learner and is still improvising her work day by day.

I’ll share more of my work as I progress. Till than happy baking.

Vents of a new mommy

Ok I’ll be very honest here. Taking care of your little one can be very overwhelming and I mean really overwhelming honestly. At least that’s how things started at my end; when my little daughter (now 5 months old) was born; I was very apprehensive and overwhelmed. Instead of enjoying those moments I was either upset or depressed or frustrated at the thought of very little or almost no help around with the baby. I didn’t know who to look upto since my family wasn’t in town and my husband was very busy with his work (would be going at 8 in the morning and came back at 8 in the night) and my in laws who live with us……. Well they were busy with another kid who began coming to our place the very next day my daughter was born. I won’t go into the depth here but this kid who is just 6 months older than my baby began coming to our place the day I got discharged from the hospital and this was the day when my daughter was only 4 days old and I sooo needed help with her.

Having a c section made it so difficult to do even the very simple tasks like getting up and picking up my baby, trying to give her a bath, going to the washroom and taking a shower, making something for myself for breakfast. But since my mum in law was busy with this other kid I had to do everything all by myself except giving my daughter a bath since she was soooo fragile at that moment and I really didn’t know how to manage and handle her during a bath. So mum in law would wait for the other kid to sleep and then we’d give my daughter a bath. It was a very tough time for me and I would be in tears by the end of the day after spending the whole day alone with my baby in my room. I had to get up and make my own breakfast since the very next day of getting discharged from the hospital; I washed my baby’s clothes myself since the very same day. I know I sound so bad and I know I am venting here but see I don’t get it; what was the use of living in a joint family system if we didn’t get any help at the time it was most needed.

Ok I may be mad at my in-laws but it wasn’t their fault either since they did try their best but things just weren’t working out the way they should have been. I believe the parents of the other kid should have been more considerate in leaving their kid at our place with my mum in-law and at least they should have waited for another week or so; at least I would have gotten a proper time to heal around, the parents of this other kid could have taken off from their work for at least a few days …. What is family for anyways if they can’t be there for you or help you when you are in need? Instead of leaving their kid at our place I had actually expected some help with the baby but instead of being a helping hand they even took away the few helping hands I could have gotten from my mum in law. And though I healed quickly, by the tenth day I even began making meals for the family at my home since there wasn’t any other choice but the hurt is still there and it just won’t go away like that. And whenever I see this other kid I remember how unfair her parents were with me when I really needed help but I guess this is how life is supposed to be!. I believe that tables will turn someday! I just wish for once that they could realize their mistake….. That’s all I want ….. Just a little sorry but I know this is not happening! So much for understanding the philosophy of a joint family system.

House Ended; the end of an Era

Me and Hubby watched the whole House series this summer and it ended just two days back and I must say it seemed like the end of an era. After Friends probably House was the only series which left a huge impact on my life….. Really a huge impact. Yes Gray’s Anatomy is a different genre but nothing in comparison to House.

While hubby was more impressed by the way House solved problems, I on the other hand was really in love with the personalities that House and Wilson depicted; I could soo relate to House in so many ways (atleast my hubby thinks I m cold hearted like him ;))

The thing which really inspired me was house’s sarcasm. We all relate to stuff that he believed or he said in some way or the other but usually either we are too scared to admit it because of the fear of being judged or there are some people who consider it really wrong morally. I guess I don’t belong to either of the categories.

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I also believe that everybody lies…… it’s just a matter of what we lie about. We all portray life to be different; either we want to prove that ours is much better and other times we like to show that ours is really worse; that we are the real sufferers.

House was someone who did not believe in family; did not believe in bonding. That bonding, love hurts and it sure does. Love, expectations they all hurt. House was truthful to the point that it could hurt someone so badly but he said the truth filled with sarcasm. We all want to be able to get the guts to tell the truth to so many people in our lives but either we are afraid of hurting them or losing them or we are just scared of the consequences and we shut up.

Another interesting thing depicted is that when people care excessively it is not normal; it usually has some motive. And then there are few people who do care but they believe that showing that they care makes them vulnerable; weak.

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The reality is irrelevant. It definitely is. People look at the world and others by their own perspective. Most people don’t want to accept the realities or face the truth. Very few people look at the depth of everything and are able to judge personalities. The world has become very materialistic; we judge people by worldly materialistic things.

Another interesting thing House believed and to which I totally agree is that Parents damage their children. I totally agree to this. Sometimes being overly loved damages us. Sometimes being less loved or less around them damages us. Some parents end up putting too many responsibilities on their kids and manipulate them in such a way that they end up believing that this is their job; that this is their sole responsibility to do all of this and if they don’t then they fail as children. Here also the parents damage in such a way that the kid even fails to understand or apprehend that he/she has been totally damaged as a person by his parents. Then there are the other set of people like house who end up avoiding their parents as much as they can because meeting them means being hurt … I belong to this category. But since no one can be completely like house, so not meeting them means lots of guilt, lots of ifs and buts and lots of “Kaash”.(in Urdu means I wish).

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Wanting to Believe the best about people doesn’t make it true. People we love; people who have been important in our lives we don’t want them to be wrong. We always want to see them through beautifully tinted glasses but that’s not always true. They are usually not the most perfect people what the whole world considers them to be. This can be hurting especially when we finally come to terms in believing what they actually are and what we have been considering them. This happens with me lots of times. I want to believe that generally people are nicer, that people are harmless but my experiences have usually proved otherwise.

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Normal is overrated. It certainly is. And everyone has their own definition of being normal; we shouldn’t impose our normality on other people it just isn’t fair. People have different personalities and different wants, something that I like can be despised by someone else and this shouldn’t be an issue; this should be accepted as the universal fact that we all are different and it is COMPLETELY OK to be different. What is not ok is to want people to act and think like us. What is not normal is to assume that people will do what we expect out of them. I guess this is something I also need to accept in life and realize. That I can’t make people do stuff that I want; yes but I can expect them to let ME DO What I want in life!.

Another aspect depicted in this series is that there is an end to everything; whether good or bad has come to an end; as we all know ….. In the End Everybody Dies.

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(Images have been taken from the following websites after a random google image search:
http://www.fanpop.com
martin.blogspot.com
http://www.picstopin.com
http://www.rugusavay.com)

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